Selfishness
A degree of selfishness is normal, healthy, and essential. We need to make ourselves a priority much of the time if we are to survive and flourish. But some people’s selfishness, like their self-image, is inflated and distorted. When most people behave in ways that others see as selfish, it is usually the result of a conscious decision based upon weighing up their own interests, needs, and wishes against those of others. We all face such choices every day. Do we stay home and nurse our cold when our employer is shorthanded? Do we brake our date with the nice but dull guy so we can accept an invitation from someone more interesting? Do we treat our mother to something special on her birthday or spend the money on the pair of shoes we lust after? Do we comfort a friend who has just been dumped or spend the weekend skiing? Our innate temperament will dictate whether we agonize over such choices and squirm with guilt when we put ourselves first or whether we are more dispassionate. But most of us recognize we do have a choice.
Highly selfish or narcissistic people though are rarely in a quandary about whose needs they should meet and don’t see that there is any option or alternative other than their own self-interest. They do what pleases them, they insist on their own way without a thought about anyone else, and don’t think of it as selfishness because it is automatic and natural and so must be normal and right. Such people do not choose to be selfish, they simply are selfish in the same way they have a certain hair and eye colour.
An obvious and easily observable demonstration of such people’s selfishness is their attitude to conversation. Generally other people are to be seen and not heard, unless they are flattering, complimenting, praising or agreeing, or can provide sort-after information. Unless the selfish individual is trying to charm, impress, or win someone over (in which case they will be ostentatiously interested) or when they occasionally humour someone, they are not interested in what others have to say.
Really selfish people don’t ‘see’ or ‘hear’ others. A woman I know regularly visits to tell me at great length about herself and her life. When she leaves I know I cease to exist for her, in fact I barely exist when in front of her. I am simply something that satisfies her need of the moment for an audience, for attention. Beyond that, I am of no interest, a cipher with no life or opinions that are of any interest to her. In all the time I have known her, she has never once asked how I am, what I’ve been doing, or remembered anything I’ve told her. Long ago I stopped even trying to keep up the two-way exchange of normal conversation but she has never noticed and in fact seems to enjoy our ‘conversations’ even more now that I have nothing to say. Even brief exchanges with such people leave you feeling used and frustrated.
Only things that benefit, or are relevant to such people, have any significance to them so he or she has little interest in, or concern for, their community, the environment or other people, (unless they satisfy, serve or admire). When your self comes first all the time, other people’s needs are tiresome or infuriating. Selfish people are not interested in compromise, sharing, or giving, because they assume others should automatically be devoted to their welfare and happiness. And if other people don’t give what they want, because selfish people need to feel superior and special to feel good, they feel rejected and attacked because their sense of superiority and specialness has not been supported.
The selfish generally discourage people from making demands upon them or expecting anything from them - by letting people down, breaking promises, being unreliable and thinking only of themselves. Subtly or not, they get the message across that they do as they please and please no one but themselves, that they let no one influence them, and they do not give, only receive. They have no interest in caring for others or devoting time, energy or money to anyone but themselves.
They have no compunction about making unreasonable demands on others and don’t care if they inconvenience or even if their demands require great sacrifices from another. They believe people either enjoy giving to them or that they are weak and gullible and deserve to be taken advantage of. As long as they get what they want they don’t care how others feel. They might for example arrive at the home of a friend, relative, acquaintance, or friend of a friend for a lengthy stay, uninvited and unannounced, without a thought that they might be putting that person out. They are so sure their host enjoys looking after them that they would never dream of ‘insulting’ their hospitality by offering to pay their way.
Any relationship has to be on their terms and they will dictate every thing about it. A partner especially is supposed to be totally accepting, always available, meet all their needs, give total, unconditional, and worshipful love, and put up with anything. And want nothing in return except the relationship itself.
Copyright Ultimate-self.com 2007 All rights reserved.
See related articles: Unnatural narcissism, Disordered personalities.
