Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential)

Recognizing a heartbreaker

Our emotional well-being or even physical survival, may depend on whether we can recognize a person who is a risk to us when we encounter one. I’m not advocating that you expect perfection and discard anyone who isn’t perfect. But indications that someone is narcissistic, or worse, psychopathic, should make us very wary of them. If someone seems too good to be true, they probably are, if their promises seem unrealistic, they probably are. But Heartbreakers are usually believable and determined to ‘win over’ the person they want. So we need to be alert and vigilant for any warning signs or clues that people are not who, or what, they seem to be.

It is particularly important to be clear-sighted in the beginning of a relationship, because once we become emotionally involved we lose perspective and it is harder to be insightful. And once we become entangled and submerged in a damaging relationship it is often impossible to see what the real cause is. If we love someone deeply we are even further blinded because love by its very nature is obsessive, illogical and can be the enemy of clear thinking. The feeling of infatuation, of being in love, can be so heady and all- consuming that it is difficult to see that the lover is not actually who we think they are or that their behaviour is destructive.

In a society based on science and rationality most people don’t give much credence to their intuition but sometimes a gut feeling, an instinctive doubt, natural wariness, or reluctance, is a warning we should heed.

Tina Turner’s instincts for example, were spot on about Ike Turner. She sensed from the time she first got to know him that a relationship with him would be bad for her but she felt she had no option or maybe that she deserved no better. Ike wanted her and what Ike wanted he got.

In order to recognize people who are not good for us we need to be alert, attentive, observant. Few people can hide their true selves indefinitely and usually give clues about themselves that we can easily miss or dismiss.

We need to take things slowly with a new relationship, bond gradually, get to know each other and to learn about the other’s history, family, friends, and to get information about them from as many different sources as possible, to get as full a picture as we can of who they really are.

We need to examine the subtext behind their words and actions. What is he really saying, what does she really want? Why does he do what he does? Listen for slips of the tongue, inadvertent indications of character and really listen, especially when they offer insights into themselves.

A boyfriend once told me that he was ‘hungry for life’. I didn’t really consider what that meant but I found to my cost that he meant he was greedy, reckless and impulsive, unable to say no to any enjoyable experience not matter how irresponsible and no matter what the cost. One night we were discussing a film we had just seen and he seemed to completely miss the point of it but he dismissed further conversation with a flippant ‘I’m not deep’. I thought he was being modest but he was actually telling me who he was—shallow. It took me some time to discover for myself the things about him that he had actually told or shown me himself.

Personality is easy to fake, for a time at least, so when we begin to feel interest in a potential partner we need to look out for signs that they might not be what they present themselves to be. We need to watch out for signs of selfishness, thoughtlessness, a need for power, control and dominance, signs of self-indulgence and lack of self-control, and signs that he or she does not see us as their equal. We need to work out what it is about him/her we find attractive, such as charm or attentiveness, and then discover whether those qualities are real or just a pleasing veneer.

Ask yourself, what sort of a person are they? What is their attitude to such things as sharing, intimacy, control? Do they respect other people’s boundaries, their privacy, their feelings? Do they use psychological defenses such as denial or blaming, excessively? What is most important to them and what do they want most? Who are their friends and what sort of people are they? What is their lovestyle?

Does he or she perhaps engage in malicious gossip, try to ‘get away’ with things, like cheating on their tax or pilfering from an employer? Does he lack manners, jump queues, or grab what he wants without concern for others? How does she treat shop assistants, waiting staff, taxi drivers, old people, children and animals? Just how often and how much do they drink, gamble or use drugs? How did he treat his ex-girlfriends after breaking up? Does he bad mouth them? Does he exhibit covert (or overt) racism, sexism or bigotry? Does she lack remorse? Is she able to admit when she is wrong or does she always make excuses, blame someone or something else or make herself out to be the victim? Does he ever make you doubt your judgement, competence or even sanity? Does he make personal comments to, or about people; is he free with hurtful evaluations? Does he think he is above rules and immune from other people’s expectations of him?

Does he come on too strong, too soon, laying on flattery with a trowel, overwhelming with instant intimacy? Does flirting and wooing come too easily to her, suggesting it is a well-practiced art, something she indulges in often? How many relationships has he/she been in before and how long did they last? Is he addicted to admiration and adept at strategies to attract admirers? Does he try to talk you into doing things you would prefer not to? Does she try to get you to change your mind, opinions, or beliefs and make you pay some price if you don’t? Are there any inconsistencies in his stories, his history or behaviour? Do you find out for example that he is not where he says he is?

We need to pay close attention to what potential partners say but what they do is the real test of who they are. Often words not only contradict action but also the emotional reality behind them. If someone says something that doesn’t seem to match their tone of voice, body language and expression, then our mind rebels at the contradictory information. Our minds then need to reject one source of information, which is usually the less obvious source (non verbal). We then lose a good source of information. This is often how we come to be taken in by lies. The words don’t match the emotional cues, the liar may for example not meet our eye, but we can’t take in two contradictory messages. So it is important to consciously examine both the words and the emotion, compare them and if they are out of alignment, question why, and which one is accurate.

A pattern of behaviour, rather than single, isolated events is what to look for. Petty theft doesn’t make someone a psychopath but if repeated theft is a part of a broader pattern of antisocial behaviour it might be one clue among others to indicate that they are.

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