Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential)

Raising self-esteem

Self-esteem is how we see and judge ourselves. It is crucial for our psychological wellbeing and affects how we see ourselves as well as others and how other people see us.

So if we don’t accept, value, love and like ourselves we are truly handicapped and will find it impossible to be happy or to lead a fulfilling life. So if our self-esteem is not what it should be then how can we improve it?

What were the messages about yourself that you absorbed as a child? If others criticize us, we develop a pattern of being self-critical. So work out who criticized you, what they said and whether or not they were right. And if they were right then, is what they said still true now?

Turn any negative labels and criticisms about yourself into positives. For example, if your parents called you stubborn, relabel yourself as persistent. If you were teased for being “geeky” rename yourself intelligent.

Try not to compare yourself to others. No matter how perfect you are there will always be someone smarter, better off, better looking, or more successful. And there will always be some who are not as smart, good looking or as well off.

If you must compare yourself to someone compare yourself with someone less fortunate, which will help you feel grateful for what you have and for who you are.

Don’t allow other people’s responses to you to dictate how you value yourself. For each one of us, out of all the people we know or meet about a third will dislike us (often for no particular reason) a third will be indifferent or feel neutral, and about a third will respond positively. It’s pretty much a law of human nature.

Keep up your morale. During WWII when the Germans were bombing the life out of the English and the war was going badly for them pessimism and defeatism were not tolerated. The English refusal to be despondent and negative, their ability to cheer up others and themselves, helped them endure and eventually triumph.

Stop criticizing yourself. Our subconscious records every self-criticism, which fuels negative thoughts and beliefs until self-condemnation becomes entrenched and contaminates our lives and being.

Talk to yourself with kindness and encouragement. Be your own best friend, your own coach and mentor. Praise yourself, cheer yourself on.

Mistakes are not evidence of worthlessness or stupidity. Everyone makes mistakes and in fact a mistake is the best learning tool there is. Show yourself the same tolerance you would anyone else who blunders.

Where possible, associate only with people who are supportive and encouraging.

Write a list of at least 30 (yes 30) things about you that are positive - skills, traits, abilities, qualities, habits etc and read it when you feel low.

Don’t allow people to convince you to do things you don’t want to do. We lose self-respect when we allow ourselves to be “talked into” things. Give yourself time to think about whether or not you want to do something and if you don’t just say “no” and mean it.

A large part of self-esteem is self-respect so stick to your standards and values. For example, I don’t believe in gossiping. The times when I have gossiped I feel awful. So to keep my good opinion of myself I refuse to listen to or join in gossip. Of course, not everyone believes gossip is bad. Our values are personal but whatever your values are, you will feel better about yourself if you don’t violate them.

Helping others can increase our sense of self-worth, but only as long as the help we offer is voluntary and not extracted from us and that we are not doing for people things they are capable of doing for themselves.

Set realistic goals and work toward them.

Be active. It’s hard to feel good about ourselves when we are sedentary, lethargic and inactive.

Do things you enjoy doing.

Look after yourself. Treat you (body, mind and spirit) as though you are important and valuable. Give yourself nutritious food, fresh air, exercise, plenty of sleep, rest and recreation, education and mental stimulation, interesting companions, small treats and pleasures. In all the world you are all you actually have.

Make it a rule to NEVER put yourself down in front of others.

Concentrate on your strengths not your weaknesses. And when you look at your flaws and faults (which every human being on earth has) don’t exaggerate them. Yes, you are imperfect and so is everyone else.

Get out of the habit of black and white thinking. You don’t have to be either dumb or smart, attractive or ugly, efficient or totally useless. You can be smart with occasional “dumb” lapses (like most of us). There is a middle ground and most of us are in it somewhere. It’s OK to be average and ordinary which most people are.