Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential)

Pull your own strings

If we are going to get the most from life and be the best we can be, we need to be in control of our lives and make our own decisions based on what is best for us.

Sometimes though it feels as if we have little control over anything and in fact we don’t have much say in a lot that happens to us. We don’t get to decide:

Who our parents are.

The family we are born into—its size, economic and social status, philosophy, beliefs, religion, or emotional health.

Where or when we were born and raised (country, region, town, era).

How we were educated (or not educated).

What we look like.

Our genetic inheritance (which influences our health and personality and of course physical appearance).

How other people perceive us and treat us.

Our innate temperament (whether introvert or extrovert for example).

Our gender

The impact our culture or events have on our developing personality. Cultures have different values and expectations and we generally take them in and make them our own.

And sometimes, taking charge of the things we can manage in our own lives—being responsible for our own actions, making our own decisions, and thinking and acting independently—can be hard, exhausting, and scary.

Sometimes it is tempting to hand the reins over to someone else and just go along for the ride. And if things go wrong we don’t have to blame ourselves. So we let our parents, friends, lover, partner, boss, church, government, tell us how to be and how to live. We become a follower – of celebrities, peer groups, fads and fashions, or some guru, and never find our own way.

There is no shortage of people prepared to tell us who we should be and what we should do. Around 20% of all animals and humans are dominants with a desire and need to dominate their fellows. This group will try to lead and influence those around them, for better or worse. Some dominants may be good leaders but most are not, their need to dominate is about personal power, not the welfare of those they seek to sway. If we are less assertive or lack self-confidence, are vulnerable, or lazy, it can seem the best option to let some dominant take charge.

And many people simply want to be ‘looked after’, either because they never got enough nurturance as a child and crave it, or because they got too much and feel permanently entitled to it. But being constantly looked after is no way for a mature, able-bodied adult to live. Occasional pampering, or having someone care for us during an illness is wonderful but when someone other than ourselves is responsible for us we remain stuck in the role of child so that we can never become powerful and independent selves. Being taken care of can feel good but except in cases of real need, is never good for us in the long term .

Once we have reached adulthood we should never give what control we have over our lives to anyone else because:

Everyone has an ulterior motive or hidden agenda. Everyone is driven by self-interest. Friends and co-workers want you to be like them and not do anything that might make them feel uncomfortable. Even loving parents want their child to be someone that they and society approves of. And the parents’ or society’s definition of ‘acceptable’ might not be who the child happens to be. As a child for example, I was a ‘tomboy’ and had to fight my mother’s efforts to make me ‘ladylike’, which meant in effect being a passive doll, convenient for her but stifling for me. Even the best parents can smother a child’s true self if it is not what the parent wants or expects. Very few people, no matter how much they care for us, will have our best interests as much at heart as we do.

Human beings in general are not particularly logical or rational. Many people think that if they believe something then it is fact. The people we hand our lives over to may well be wrong about whatever it is they believe or think we should do and be.

The world is full of con artists, liars, exploiters, crooks, psychopaths, and users looking for victims. If we choose to give power away to one of these types then we will find ourselves in serious trouble.

If we allow others to have undue influence over us (for example by giving in to peer pressure) we will often do things that betray our true selves.

It might well be possible for someone to know you better than you know yourself but it is rare. No other can ever know your deepest desires, fears, dreams and ambitions. So how can they know who you are and what is best for you?

Giving over control to another leads to dependence and dependence to need, which can mean doing what we might not otherwise do in order to keep the needed one happy. This can lead to abuse. We see the dependency/abuse connection in all sorts of abusive personal relationships, in cult and sect members, through to political tyranny.

It’s better to make your own mistakes and learn from them than to follow someone else’s path. Mistakes should not be feared because they are great teachers.

Giving control to another leaves us weak, powerless and undeveloped. Like unused muscles, if we don’t practice our skills at managing our own lives we lose them.