Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential)

Letting go

Many people have terrible things happen to them. Many are victims of abuse, incompetence, cruelty, betrayal, illness or accidents. Many lose loved ones and are consumed by grief. And some people have done something terrible themselves and carry a burden of guilt and shame.

Hurt can be especially excruciating if it is inflicted by someone we thought cared for us or someone who is supposed to love us. This sort of incongruity can make us crazy. We just can’t believe it. How could they do this to us, we cry.

Often, we are so overwhelmed, confused, shocked or wounded that we become fixated on our misfortune. We just can’t get over it. It’s easy to feel self-pity or even to become sour on life, bitter and twisted.

If we are the injured party we might rage at injustice, feel hatred for those who hurt us, construct elaborate fantasies of revenge and tell anyone who will listen of our grievance. In the same way that a fragment of song can get stuck in our head, endlessly repeating itself till it drives us to distraction, we can become obsessed with our pain.

My friend Nick was distraught when his wife left him for his best friend. The double betrayal was more than he could endure but five years after his divorce he still constantly talks about his ex wife and ex friend to the point where most people cringe with embarrassment at his still raw emotions or avoid him altogether. He has lost all dignity, any sense of moderation, and any sense of peace. While the wayward lovers are happily off playing house Nick is still obsessed by what they did to him. They probably never give him a thought, he can think of nothing else but them.

Like many people Nick’s life is in limbo and will remain so until he manages to let go of his pain and outrage. He is the only one suffering and he is hurting himself as least as much as his ex wife.

For our own sakes, for peace of mind and our future happiness we must let go of what we cannot change.

Anyone with any association with Alcoholics’ Anonymous or Al-Anon will know the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

We need to mentally, emotionally and perhaps physically detach and disengage from the people who hurt us, the events we cannot change, the problems we cannot solve, and perhaps also from our own expectations. Here are some thoughts that might help the process:

Nothing and no one can change what is past.
From childhood we are taught that the good are rewarded and the bad punished. So when bad things happen to us we feel like we are being punished. When we have done nothing wrong to deserve it, we can feel attacked, victimized and unjustly treated. All of this can effect our self-image and our sense of worth. But misfortune is not a reflection on those who suffer it.
Don’t take it personally.
People are who and what they are. As the old Irish proverb says “What else would the cat’s son do but lap cream?” We cannot change them, only ourselves.
It helps to feel that we have learned something from our suffering.
It’s easy sometimes to feel victimized and feel like a victim. But in so doing we lose our sense of power and control.
We can consciously, deliberately, choose and decide to let go.
The best revenge is living well.
Keeping a gratitude journal might show that there is much more to be grateful for than you think.
Look around at all the courageous people who deal with and overcome horrendous life events. Let them inspire you.
Are you worried, preoccupied, entangled, overly involved, in a state of chaos? Recognize that this is doing you no good at all, physically or emotionally, and choose to do what is good and right for you.
Obsessing about past events locks us into reacting rather than acting independently. It reduces our freedom. We are a slave to the past.
By focusing so much energy on our hurt or indignation we have little left over for ourselves, other people or running our lives efficiently.
Worrying and obsessing doesn’t solve or change anything. It is wasted energy.
Stress effects clear-thinking, concentration, decision making and problem solving skills (for the worst).
Obsession makes us lose control and surrender our power.
Other people may feel sorry for us for a time but eventually, if we continue to obsess, we will lose their respect (as well as our own self-respect).
Cultivate calmness and serenity. Use yoga, meditation, ti chi, or any other healthy way of relaxing and stilling the mind (alcohol or drugs are counterproductive).
Live in the moment and allow life to happen.
Accept reality, accept life’s messiness, lack of perfection and unfairness.
Let go of regrets about the past and fears about the future.
Give yourself permission to enjoy life.
Practice neutrality of emotion.
Practice serenity, peace, acceptance, and freedom rather than self-pity, rage, regret, helplessness, resignation or martyrdom.
Find distractions until you break the habit of obsessing.
Take good care of yourself.
Live and let live.
Life is short and your time is too precious to waste on worrying and fretting about something over which you have no control.
Ask yourself what price you are paying for not letting go.
Refuse to carry the burden of bitterness or resentment - they stop you from being happy.