Identifying Mr or Ms Wrong
Love is a risky business at the best of times but falling for a certain type of person inevitably causes unhappiness (or worse). Our relationships are probably responsible for around 90% of either our happiness or misery so we need to be careful about who we choose to let into our lives.
In the beginning of a romance people present the most pleasing version of themselves but if it is a really faked version chinks will show. No one is perfect but we need to be aware of the warning signs that the new person in our lives could turn out to be a disaster. Any of the following should ring alarm bells.
- Heavy drinking, drug use, or gambling. Addictions are notoriously difficult to cure and addicts invariably poison the lives of people who care for them. It is also highly likely that the addiction is a symptom of a disordered personality, which brings many more unpleasant characteristics to deal with.
- Any form of mistreatment or abuse including disrespect or dismissiveness. As well as the way they treat you, watch how they behave to service staff (waiters, shop assistants, etc) children, the elderly, disabled and animals. If they treat those they have power over badly it is a warning sign.
- A violent temper and an inability to deal with frustration. If they explode over even little things, they will be very difficult or even dangerous to live with.
- Acceptance of violence, aggression, hostility and personal attacks as a means of solving problems and disagreements.
- Extreme jealousy. This may be flattering and look like a sign of love but it is a serious problem. People who suffer from morbid jealousy can never be completely reassured. In many cases jealousy is more about power and control than love.
- Coming from a dysfunctional family. People who experience abuse themselves or see others being abused, who come from families were alcohol, drugs, violence or promiscuity are the norm or from families with mental health problems, are highly likely to lack the skills to make them good partner material.
- Cruelty of any sort.
- Blaming others and not accepting responsibility for their own faults, shortcomings or actions. You may well find yourself becoming their scapegoat for everything wrong in their lives.
- A sense of superiority. If they assume they are better than others they will not see you as their equal.
- Bad manners are a sign of an inconsiderate and selfish nature.
- A sense of entitlement. If they selfishly believe they should get whatever they want, do whatever they want and always get their own way they will not care about your needs and wants.
- Always having to be right, never compromising or admitting they are wrong. If they are always right you will always be wrong.
- Power and control. Someone who wants to dictate to you and decide how you should behave and think, who makes all the decisions whether you like them or not, or who tries to get you to do things you don’t want to is a tyrant to be avoided at all costs.
- Problems with authority. Some people believe that rules and laws only apply to others, not them. These people believe they are ‘special’ and that no one can tell them what to do. Be wary of anyone with a string of parking or traffic fines, who defies their boss, is being investigated by the tax department, or who tries to get out of paying fares or accounts. Avoid like the plague anyone who takes this to the extreme of criminal acts.
- Possessiveness. Like jealousy this can be flattering at first but anyone who wants you all to themselves and who tries to isolate you from family and friends is bad news and is potentially an abuser or insecure and over dependent.
- Breaking promises. If they repeatedly stand you up, say they will phone and don’t, or let you down they are giving you a clue what a relationship with them would be—constant disappointment.
- Dishonesty. If you catch them in lies, even relatively minor ones, be wary. If they will lie about small things they will lie about big ones, such as their fidelity.
- They come on too strong too quickly and want an intense and exclusive relationship before you even get to know each other. Again, this can be flattering but such people are often unstable, fickle, needy, or mentally disturbed.
- Polished charm and charisma. If they seem skilled at quickly winning you over they have probably had a great deal of practise at it. They may well be a serial seducer and you are just the latest in a long line, about to be another notch on their bedpost.
- Sexism. Many men and women secretly dislike the opposite sex (for various reasons) but because they need and want things from them they have to hide their antagonism. Be alert for subtle put downs and slips of the tongue. Although they may assure you that you are not like the rest of your sex, if they have no respect for your gender it will be hard for them to respect you.
The more of the above qualities any one person shows the more risky they are. And don’t fool yourself that you will be able to change them or that if you love them enough they will never hurt you. It’s far better to avoid a broken heart than to try to mend one.
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