Explaining boundaries
If everyone in the world had healthy boundaries, if we all respected ourselves and each other, there would be no war, crime, abuse, or exploitation. But so many people have trouble developing healthy boundaries because they are not exactly sure what they are or how to achieve them.
Our boundaries define us, they determine what is ours and what’s not, they distinguish us from others. They are like borders around countries, marking out the extent of the territory. But like a country’s borders, ours also include guarded border crossings that allow the good in (and out) and keep the bad from entering our “country”. They should also keep our bad from entering others’ “countries”. Other people often violate our boundaries but we also often violate our own. So, some basic boundary ingredients are:
- Your physical self. As an adult you belong to yourself. No one should be allowed to invade your physical space without consent. By the same token, you alone are responsible for your physical care and protection. If you do things that damage your body, such as smoke or over-eat, or put yourself in harm’s way, then you are not respecting your own boundaries. You are like a sovereign state that neglects its borders and allows itself to be infiltrated by enemies or overrun by invaders.
- Morals, values and standards. We all need to decide what we believe in, what we stand for, and what is important to us – and live accordingly. Few of us give much thought to these intangibles but they are crucial and breaking our own standards is a major source of unhappiness. Letting other people know where you stand makes your boundaries clear and they are less likely to try to get you to compromise.
- Thoughts. Are our thoughts genuinely ours or are they an echo of someone else? For example, most of us are influenced by our peers. Does a young girl become obsessed with thoughts of losing weight because she wants to be healthy, or because her friends and the media override her own thought process? We need to think about what we think and why. Many people will use all sorts of tricks and manipulations to try to make us think their way and we need to be aware of it. We also need to make sure we are thinking clearly and rationally and recognize that we could be wrong. For example we often see people as we want them to be, not who they really are.
- Reactions. Instead of just reacting automatically to events, requests, and expectations we need to think and question. What is in our best interests? What might the consequences be?
- Relationships. We all need close relationships but many violate so many boundaries that they are dysfunctional and destructive. Don’t tolerate hurtful relationships but find people who respect you.
- Social life. Almost everyone has an agenda. Almost everyone wants something from you, wants you to do something for them or wants you to be a certain way. So we need to decide what we are prepared to give and what we want from others. We should neither make selfish demands ourselves nor give in to those of others. Possibly the best way to ensure that others don’t encroach on your boundaries is to display to everyone a high level of self-respect.
- Hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, desires. They all need to be ours, not someone else’s but they also need to be realistic, not fantasy, pie in the sky stuff. We also need to know who we really are and whether what we want is right for us. For example we may want fame, yet feel stressed when the centre of attention. Also, if we indulge in delusions we do ourselves a huge disservice and violate the basics of boundaries – protecting ourselves.
- Feelings. We need to accept and acknowledge our feelings. Denying, burying or being ashamed of any emotion causes problems. Uncomfortable feelings are usually a sign that something is wrong (often that your boundaries have been breeched). However, self-control is also part of having healthy boundaries so we shouldn’t let our emotions harm others or ourselves. For example, extreme, intimidating anger invades others boundaries while self-pity that leads us to console ourselves with too much alcohol or overeating, violates our own.
- Attitudes and beliefs. Again, these should be ours, arrived at after thought and consideration, not taken in automatically from someone else. And they should be realistic and conducive to our well-being. If we believe for example that saying “no” makes us selfish then we leave ourselves open to exploitation. We have to take responsibility for our attitudes and beliefs. Only we can change them. And if they are causing problems they should be changed. They are not carved in stone, they are not God-given, they are just learned ideas and responses.
- Behaviour. Everything we do has consequences. If our boundaries are healthy we will accept the outcome of our own actions and allow others to deal with theirs. To try to rescue people from their consequences or expect them to rescue us from ours is an abdication of power. And so is blaming something or someone for what we do. No one makes us do anything. We alone are responsible. And if we try to make other people do what we think they “should”, then we are invading their boundaries.
- Choices. We chose how we live. If we let other people influence us, if we follow others’ leads, if we do not live authentically – then that is our choice. If we make choices we think will gain us the approval of others, or because we feel guilty, then our boundaries are weak.
- Who you really are. It’s impossible to have healthy boundaries if you pretend to be who you are not, if you try to be what others want you to be or who you think you should be. It’s almost impossible to protect a false self because the essential and core boundary is missing. It’s like trying to guard a country that doesn’t exist.
- Limits. We need to set limits not only on what we will accept from other people but also set limits on ourselves. Self-control is not popular in our self-indulgent society but a lack of it has a major impact on health and happiness. So the basic rule is, if an urge or impulse is not in our own or others’ best interests then don’t act on it.
- Self-reliance. If we are capable of doing something for ourselves, then we should. As an adult, to have others cater to us is to stay stuck in immaturity. Of course in relationships there is usually a trade off of tasks and responsibilities but we need to ensure balance or risk exploitation or dependency developing. And sometimes we simply need to receive help or to give it. It’s all about give and take in roughly equal measures.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is not easy and they are no good unless they are enforced. But they are not always just about protecting ourselves from others, sometimes it’s just as, or even more important, to protect ourselves from ourselves.
© Ultimate-self.com 2009 All rights reserved.
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