Changing reality
Psychological defences
There are times in all of our lives when we don’t like what is happening to us, when our experiences make us feel, anxious, stressed, frightened, or less important than we would like, when reality is just not to our liking.
Most of us (at least some of the time) automatically filter reality to make it more pleasing to us and to help us maintain a good opinion of ourselves. These psychological defence mechanisms are usually unconscious and protect us from anxiety, fear, and all sorts of inner and outer stressors by allowing us to deny, falsify, or alter reality. We distort both our inner and outer worlds to help us survive. But if these defences are used inappropriately or become extreme and habitual that can get us into real trouble.
Denial
We protect ourselves from unpleasant situations and facts by simply ignoring them. So we may simply not register criticism for example or ‘deny’ that a close relationship is over. But the denial of some things, such as illness or addiction can be fatal.
Displacement
We shift the feelings or unacceptable wishes and impulses aroused by something or someone to another person or object. For example if your boss drives you crazy you can’t directly express your anger so you come home and ‘take it out on’ your family.
Fantasy
By fantasizing we use our imagination to gratify unfulfilled needs and desires. This can be great fun unless the fantasy becomes more real and more satisfying than reality so that we live in our own ‘fantasy world’.
Compensation
We cover up weaknesses by exaggerating something else or make up for problems in one area of life by concentrating on another. For example a person who feels their appearance is below average may strive to make up for it by career success, or someone who is a ‘failure’ at relationships may devote all their efforts to work.
Devaluing
To inflate our egos, or protect them from envy and competition with others who appear ‘better’ than us we devalue them by insulting them, pejorative labelling, or simply dismissing them as unworthy.
Projection
We redirect onto other people our own unacceptable feelings, failures, shortcomings, actions or qualities instead of taking responsibility for them ourselves. We often see this in gossips who delight in sneering at something in another that they do or are themselves.
Rationalization
Making up questionable or false excuses to justify unacceptable behaviour, feelings, or shortcomings. For example if we fail an exam we feel better if we assure everyone (and ourselves) that we weren’t really trying.
Regression
Acting like a kid. When we are stressed we can retreat into behaviour, feelings, or reactions from an earlier stage of development. Many middle aged men for example, fearing growing old revert to teenage behaviour and buy a sports car and trade in their wives for a younger model. And when faced with extreme emotional shock many revert to rocking back and forth, biting fingernails, or even thumb sucking.
Repression
We simply exclude painful, guilt-inducing or unwanted thoughts and unacceptable impulses, from our conscious mind. We might for example unintentionally keep a traumatic childhood memory deep in our unconscious so we don’t have to deal with the pain.
Idealizing
When someone is special to us we want them to be special. So we put them on a pedestal. They can do no wrong. We are blind to their faults. Idealizing is common in parents who believe their child is perfect and in lovers who want to believe they have at last found Mr or Ms Right. Often though the perfect one has feet of clay and we find ourselves betrayed and abused.
Splitting
We divide the world into black and white, good guys and bad guys. There is no room for grey areas or complexity. So we make snap and inaccurate judgments and miss all the subtleties in life.
Intellectualization
We deal with conflicts and problems in a ‘cold’ and unemotional, that is, ‘intellectual’, way by ignoring feelings. When we intellectualize we maintain a logical, rational way of thinking so if we are furious with someone for example, instead of expressing it or even feeling it, we ‘reason’ with them. It is difficult to relate authentically to someone who ignores their emotions.
Sublimation
We divert socially unacceptable thoughts, impulses, feelings or wishes into a socially acceptable form. So if we desire something unacceptable (such as an affair) we can redirect our desire toward something that symbolizes the first (such as a passion for poetry) but is less threatening.
Reaction formation.
We replace an unacceptable or threatening thought, feeling or impulse with its opposite. This is an extreme form of denial and repression. For example someone who no longer loves their partner but feels guilty about it may dote on them and declare their love. Or someone can become highly moralistic when they really want to ‘sin’. But the original feeling does not go away because its opposite is expressed.
Identification
We identify with another person (often a parent or caregiver of the same sex) or group and think and feel as they do. By linking ourselves to these others we take in their ‘worthy’ qualities as part of us and so feel bigger and better.
Most of us use some of these defenses at least some of the time. It only takes a little practice to see these psychological mechanisms in action, in others and ourselves. They are natural and normal but if they get out of hand they can be a threat to our wellbeing.
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