Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential)

Human beings are social animals. We cannot survive without others and wouldn’t want to. Imagine the misery of being alone on a desert island, even a well provisioned one. A sense of belonging is a basic human need but it’s not always easily satisfied.

Only our parents (if we’re lucky) and our dog love us unconditionally. To get along with people we have to do more than show up. We need to earn our place in the social world. We need to give people what they want before we can get our own needs met. So here are some thoughts:

• We need to be socially sensitive, that is, to be aware of other peoples’ reactions and responses. A good example of social insensitivity is the self-obsessed, non-stop talker who doesn’t know or care that their victim is rigid with boredom.

• People (except for friends) don’t want to listen to troubles and problems (at least not for more than a few minutes). Everyone has enough problems of their own. Treating others like agony aunts is no way to keep their interest.

• People take us at our own valuation, so if we are self-deprecating or self-critical people are likely to assume we are not worth much. If you hide your light under a bushel don’t expect others to see it. Most people aren’t that perceptive. However:

• While people find confidence attractive, arrogance, boasting, and showing off are turn offs.

• Everyone is more interested in themselves than in anyone else. So if we can find something about them that interests us or find things we have in common, they are more likely to find us engaging.

• People like us if we make them feel good or feel good about themselves.

• Moods are catching. If you are in a bad mood those around you are contaminated by it. If you put on a cheerful front for the sake of others you will be more pleasing to them and it will also be more likely the bad mood will lift.

• Making people feel stupid, inferior, or wrong is no way to win friends. Everyone longs for respect, approval, appreciation and recognition. Treat people the way you would like them to treat you.

• Along the same lines - no one likes to be mocked, criticized, laughed at, told they are wrong, ignored, belittled, insulted, told what to do, to be interrogated about their personal life, or have personal comments made about them.

• Most people make snap judgments based on very little evidence so first impressions are crucial. People don’t like to change their assessment or admit to themselves that they made a mistake. So make that first impression a good one.

• People like people who like them.

• Human beings are highly sensitive to rejection (actual or perceived). So make those around you feel included, noticed, accepted.

• Good manners are the glue that holds society together. They demonstrate respect and consideration. Good manners are also a large part of charm and charisma (and we all want to be charming and charismatic).

• Deliberate efforts to impress usually fail. It is wiser to show a genuine interest in others than to try to make an impression any other way. To get someone to be interested in you, you must show interest in them.

• Small acts of kindness and thoughtfulness will long be remembered.

• Greet people with a smile and show enthusiasm at seeing them.

• Give genuine compliments. If you really look you can find something you honestly admire in just about everyone.

• When relating to others we don’t need to prove we are right all the time. Diplomacy is best. Four of the most useful words when dealing with people are: “You could be right.”

• To get on with people we need to be able to see their point of view and feel empathy for them. It doesn’t always come easily but try to image you are that person, in the situation they are in.

• Almost everyone feels superior to everyone else. Don’t take it personally and don’t try to deflate the illusion by ‘proving’ your own superiority. Let it go.

• Most people prefer to talk than to listen so be a good listener.

• No individual is exactly what we would like them to be or think they ’should’ be. No one is perfect. So don’t judge or impose your values or expectations. Accept others as they are, just as you would like to be accepted in return.

• Don’t make unreasonable demands on people (such as asking for large loans, or expecting instant, constant, availability). No one ‘owes’ us anything.

• Don’t try to solve everyone’s problems, they won’t thank you for it in the long run. Human nature makes us quickly resent people who try to be our saviours.

• Retain a little mystery. Don’t come on too strong or lay yourself bare by telling your every thought, idea, ambition, goal, and secret. Such overexposure can breed contempt.

• Don’t try too hard to please by doing anything that compromises your integrity (such as pretending beliefs you don’t have, indulging in vindictive gossip, or abusing substances to be accepted). If being popular with some people involves risking your identity or integrity it’s too high a price.

• Don’t spread yourself too thin by trying to be popular with too many people. The quality of the relationships can only decrease.

• Familiarity does breed contempt and if you are too available and too accommodating you risk being taken for granted. Scarcity equals value. Don’t be too eager.

• People feel good when others remember and use their names. So concentrate when introduced to new people. If necessary use mental tricks to help yourself remember. Associate the name with something, or someone. For example remember a John by thinking of John Wayne or a Tracy by thinking of tracing paper.

• Don’t try to be what you are not. We all wear social masks but if you try to be someone too far removed from who you really are you will come across as phoney.

• As Dr Phil would say ‘How much fun are you to be around?’ Don’t be one of those people whose company is exhausting (or worse) - the hyperactive, self-absorbed, the desperate for company, the domineering, the whiners, bigots, sexists and racists, critics and complainers, drama queens, crazymakers, and attention seekers.

And finally, remember that there will always be people who don’t like us and people we cannot get along with. You can’t please all the people all of the time.

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