April 21st, 2008
Comfort for misfits
It’s not easy being an outsider. Human beings are social creatures and we have a natural urge to belong, to be valued and accepted by others. So when we are rejected, when we are ‘different’, when others judge us unfavourably, or when we have to bend over backwards to try to fit in, it can feel uncomfortable or even be so distressing that it effects our whole life.
We need to take the opinions of others into account to a degree – that’s how we validate our own perception of reality. But often, other people’s views and opinions are inappropriate for us or just plain wrong.
Peer pressure (at any age) is a powerful form of manipulation and control. ‘They’ want us to be just like ‘them’ and will punish and reject us if we are not. But by trying to be one of ‘them’ we can damage ourselves. A young girl for example, pressured into sexual acts that she doesn’t feel comfortable with because all her friends are doing it or because the boy will see her as ‘uncool’, frigid, or a snob, loses her way and loses herself. When we change who we are or pretend to be what we are not to be accepted, we betray ourselves.
Our intense need to be viewed favourably by others can be our downfall. We can probably never free ourselves completely from that need but we can decide that what others think of us will not dictate what we think of ourselves. If peoples’ judgements of us are wrong then they should not bother us.
Mostly, we are judged on superficial things by people who don’t really know us. And let’s face it, society’s value system is skewed. It raises to hero status entertainers and sports stars or those who are simply rich and thin. What, for example, has Paris Hilton ever done to justify the attention she gets? The people who contribute most to society and other people (such as doctors, nurses, fire-fighters, volunteers, and carers of all descriptions) go mostly unacknowledged (except when they are needed).
In general, a large majority of people are shallow, valuing most such things as appearance, wealth and fashion. They are followers and conformists. So should we really value their opinions of us?
Most ‘outsiders’ and ‘misfits’ tend to undervalue themselves and overvalue others. And while we should not expect unconditional adoration, dismiss everyone else as fools or become arrogant and egotistical, we need to realistically access those judging us.
The majority of people are often wrong, ignorant, confused, and illogical. Their opinions and judgements are often based on stereotypes, prejudices, emotion, simplification and the opinions of others. Very few people think clearly, are perceptive, have empathy or analyse or examine evidence and facts.
It is often hard to have confidence in ourselves when others treat us as though we have low status and don’t show us respect. A good counter to this is what could be called Benign Misanthropy. If misanthropy is the hatred of mankind then benign misanthropy is the recognition of human shortcomings and faults without bitterness or hatred.
It would be foolish would it not, to seek the approval of people whose views do not deserve to be valued? So when people label you or dismiss you, have a closer look at them. I was once in awe of a talented artist and was thrilled when I was able to enrol in one of his workshops. But the man behind the art was not so wonderful. He was arrogant and hypercritical, looking down on us less skilled and talented students with contempt. He viciously gossiped about other artists to us, tearing apart their work and characters, and generally couldn’t see anything good in anyone but himself. He wasn’t very impressed with my artistic efforts but I decided I didn’t care. I didn’t respect or like the man and realized that I couldn’t trust his judgement. It was too tainted by negativity, narcissism, and meanness of spirit.
Some people are simply too short-sighted (or cowardly, insecure, or immature) to see another’s value unless that person has received a stamp of approval from majority opinion. What other people think of us and how we seem to them is not as important as who we know we are.
Take a look at what some famous thinkers have had to say on the topic:
[Your decency] does not depend on the testimony of someone else. Marcus Aurelius
Does what is praised become better? Does an emerald become worse if it isn’t praised? Marcus Aurelius.
Public opinion is the worst of all opinions. Nicolas de Chamfort.
Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people. Arthur Schopenhauer.
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. Schopenhaur.
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves to be like other people. Schopenhaur
You can’t please all the people all the time.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. Albert Einstein.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Euripides.
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. Martin Luther King.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. From Hanlon’s Razor.
Lord, what fools these mortals be. Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from. Peter Ustinov
The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself. Rita Mae Brown.
Human nature is the same everywhere; it deifies success, it has nothing but scorn for defeat. Mark Twain.
It is human nature to hate the man you have hurt. Tacitus
Of all animals of prey, man is the only sociable one. Everyone of us preys upon his neighbour, and yet we herd together. John Gray.
A strong tiger is no match for a pack of wolves. Chinese proverb.
I fear the popular notion of success stands in direct opposition in all points to the real and wholesome success. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Every adult life could be said to be defined by two great love stories…our quest for sexual love…[and] our quest for love from the world. Alain de Botton.
Every reproach can hurt only to the extent that it hits the mark. Whoever actually knows that he does not deserve a reproach can and will confidently treat it with contempt. Arthur Schopenhauer
Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies. Schopenhauer.
Suffering by nature or by chance never seems so painful as suffering inflicted on us by the arbitrary will of another. Schopenhauer.
One can be certain that every generally held idea, every received notion, will be an idiocy because it has been able to appeal to a majority. Nicolas de Chamfort.
What is called common sense is often common nonsense. Nicolas de Chamfort.
We will gradually become indifferent to what goes on in the minds of other people when we acquire an adequate knowledge of the superficial and futile nature of their thoughts, of the narrowness of their views, of the paltriness of their sentiments, of the perversity of their opinions, and the number of their errors. Arthur Schopenhauer
The earth swarms with people who are not worth talking to. Voltaire.
Would a musician feel flattered by the loud applause of his audience if it were known to him that…it consisted entirely of deaf people? Arthur Schopenhauer.
Be content to seem what you really are. Marcus Aurelius.
There are two things one must get used to or one will find life unendurable: the damages of time and the injustices of men. Nicolas de Chamfort.
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