July 21st, 2008
Deceivers
Deceiving people is a good way of controlling their opinion of you. If you want to be admired, it’s easier to pretend admirable qualities than to actually develop them. Deception is also an effective way to extract things from people they might not otherwise want to give. And lies can build a protective wall behind which to hide the real self or provide safety from punishment. In order to protect ourselves from deceivers we need to be aware of the following types of people:
The Con Artist
The Con Artist is a predator hiding behind a veneer of charm and apparent trustworthiness. He is an actor, salesman, and seducer. He fakes his personality, qualifications, experience or anything that will persuade people to give him what he wants. Fooling people and getting something from them that they might not normally give, and getting away with things, boosts his feeling of superiority. It proves how clever he is. Conning is a game to him and he mostly wins because his target has no idea of the rules of the game. He is usually hard to spot at first, even if he seems too good to be true, because he is so convincing. But lies, betrayal, theft and fraud are his normal conduct.
The Prince of Harm
He might look and act like Prince Charming (or not) but when he sets out to woo a woman he is not driven by love, romance, admiration or protectiveness. He is an exploiter, a remorseless and cynical seducer. Some are more aggressive and heartless than others but Romance is a game to him and he plays it with malicious intent. He is a dedicated hunter and women are his prey. He is greedy for sex by conquest and deception is his modus operandi. He lies about who he is and what he wants. He promises romance, hints at love and a future together and pretends an interest that doesn’t exist. If he can’t con sex from a girl then date rape does not bother him. He might use such ruses as pretending to be gay so that a girl feels safe being alone with him. Or if he can’t be bothered with so much effort he is not averse to spiking a girl’s drink and using her as he pleases. Sometimes he strings along several women at a time, leading them to believe they are in a relationship with him but they are no more than sexual conveniences. His aim is to posses, use and discard, or in the words of one ‘Prince’, to ‘find em, fool em, fuck em and give em the flick‘. Although more common in males, there are also a few “Princesses of Harm”.
The Secret Agent
This Heartbreaker leads a double life and never lets his partner know who he actually is, where he is, who he is with, or what he does, denying her (or him) a real relationship. The Secret Agent often sees his partner as an authority figure from whom he must hide his vices. He keeps secrets for a good reason; he is up to no good. An extreme example of the Secret Agent is Robert Lowe, who murdered six-year-old Sheree Beasley in Melbourne in 1991. He was well-spoken, middle class, living in a nice house in a good suburb with his wife and two sons who went to a private school. He was an elder of his church, a Sunday school teacher and a junior sports coach. But his mask of respectability and charm hid a calculating, criminal sexual deviant, who had lived a double life for more than twenty years.
I’m All Right Jack
This Heartbreaker has no worries, no problems, is carefree and happy, a bon vivant and often great fun because he or she dumps all responsibilities, problems, uncertainty, fear and work on to someone else, most notably their partner, who may well crack under the strain. He simply denies or ignores anything that might distress or trouble him because to have problems contradicts his perfect image of himself. Having problems makes him feel weak, inferior and out of control and if he gets someone else to deal with them he needn’t be afraid of not being able to handle them.
He never pulls his weight, either at work, at home, or in any organizations he belongs to. He might promise much but invariably does little. His partner feels frustrated, angry, constantly let down, and inferior to the man (or woman) who seems calmly ‘above it all’ while his irresponsibility leaves her stressed, worried and exhausted. He can feel smugly superior to his ‘panic merchant’ spouse but occasionally he might magnanimously condescend to ‘help’ her carry the load that he has lumped her with.
The Phoney Tough Guy
This tough guy is always telling you about arguments he had with his boss or co-workers, altercations with strangers, or how he intends to ‘sort out’ a noisy neighbour. He’s always threatening to punch someone in the face or quit his job. He’s always threatening to break some rule or rebel against some regulation. His solution to all conflicts and problems is aggression, ‘kicking arse’, or so he would have you believe. All his threats and bravado stir fear and trepidation in those close to him so that they are always trying to soothe him, calm him down, talk him out of confrontation or violence, or solve the problem themselves to avoid trouble. His partner is always on edge, fearful of what he might do, but because he rarely actually does anything violent, she believes her tactics work. So his tough, don’t-mess-with-me attitude gets him plenty of attention from his partner, gives him power over her, controls her state of mind and her reactions to him, and keeps her in a secondary position to himself. His attitude forces her to concentrate on him and his problems to the exclusion of herself.
The ‘Humble’ Heartbreaker
This Heartbreaker doesn’t necessarily deceive consciously but the impression he gives is deceptive. He is a secret narcissist who does not show any obvious outward signs of arrogance, superiority or a sense of entitlement. He has a shyer, quieter, more inhibited style of grandiosity. But like the American writer and cartoonist James Thurber’s immortal character Walter Mitty, he might be meek and mild mannered but he is preoccupied with fantasies of his own greatness. He hides his arrogance and self-absorption behind an apparently unassuming nature. He might not hog attention and conversation like more flagrant narcissists and may even seem to be interested in others, but his interest is not genuine, simply a tactic to win affection and attention. He nods and seems intent on his companion’s conversation but he is not really listening and instantly forgets what is said. Like all Heartbreakers, his only interest is himself. He might expect so much from himself that that he is paralysed by fear of failure. Or he might not have the drive or ability to do anything remarkable yet expects people to recognize him as remarkable. As a romantic partner, he might seem gentle and sensitive but his self-obsession is ultimately alienating.
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